The more I write, the more I find myself asking what the point of writing is. At the moment, I’m going absolutely mad every night smashing my keyboard getting whatever thoughts that are in my head down on paper (well, on screen). I can’t actually answer the question of why I’m doing this though. Deep down, it’s probably me wanting to reach out to people who I can’t reach out to. I think I’m writing to someone or for someone because for some reason I cannot contact them directly.
There’s a few people I might be talking to, a couple more likely than others, and even as I write this there is a little hope in my heart that one of them is going to be reading what I’m writing. The chances are that if they’re reading this then they can probably work out I’m talking about them. This does beg the question of do I want them to talk to me, and although the answer feels like a yes it may be better for it to be no. I don’t know, it’s very strange to me. I wonder if it’s the isolation of lockdown, not that I’m alone, but I don’t feel a connection to as many people anymore which is definitely weird for me. In fact, I know this is true.
Even just being out and about, having interactions with strangers as I go on with my day, feels like a million miles away from my life now. Work is really great, and I’m pretty much 24/7 with it. On top of that is my investing which is equally as demanding. Then I do lots of things to fill the day, I play with my gerbil (not a euphemism), I do talk to people too. I’m getting a lot done but there’s still something incomplete about me and it’s coming out in my writing, clearly. I wonder if I just keep on going with this, will it make more sense over time. Perhaps by writing and letting it flow out of me without a barrier (hence late-night writing with whisky) I’ll come to a conclusion that leaves me satisfied so I can get back to feeling myself.
On the other hand, this might make things a lot worse as I’m forced to deal with some really intense shit and ultimately, I’m talking to myself which is a little bit strange. I wonder if as the months and years go by, we can watch my blog show a man’s true descent into madness. Alternatively, it may show a man clawing his way out of a hole. Not sure which is more likely. Probably madness.