For years now I’ve had people come up to me with glee to tell me I remind them of John Lennon. I’ve got responses prepared for most of these people, like ‘oh really?’ or ‘must be the glasses right?” Sometimes I can be a bit more sarcastic and say ‘no one’s ever said that to me before’ or simply ‘who?” I know it brings people happiness to let me know so I do try to roll with it. When I first had this, it was a validation of the personality I was creating for myself (itself a replication of another person).
However, now I start to get annoyed as I want to reply ‘okay great, but I’m me.’ At this point, my hair and glasses are just me. Sure, they remind you of a very famous singer songwriter, and the original intention was to do just that, but now they’ve become so engrained in my appearance that people know me as such. I drew myself just before writing this and noticed the hair and glasses were perfect but the rest of me was crap. I had subconsciously paid more attention to those two parts of my face. This led me to wonder why I had staked so much of myself on these specific things. We’ve just discussed the glasses, and although the hair is Lennon like that came about from a variety of different sources. By the way, it’s been a year and a half since I washed my hair and it’s looking fab so I can highly suggest this to anyone wanting to take the leap. I digress; why have I put so much of myself into these features.
Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve sat here writing and contemplating but I just cannot figure out a single reason. There are lots of reasons, things we all do such as emulating our heroes or drawing inspiration from others. Then there are deeper issues such as my desperation for a personality that was more than myself. I wear my jewellery and have my style, and it disgusts me that that’s what represents me as a person. I love getting complimented and believe me, when a girl says something positive about my look, I never ever forget it. I suppose this comes from being a weirdo as a child, and certainly from not being allowed to look how I wanted. I always wanted hair like this (predating the Lennon thing actually) but it wasn’t acceptable for the places I was at. Also, the people who made that decision for me had no idea what they were doing. The day I went to a proper hairdresser was the day that changed my entire life. If we take away this fake persona and strip me down naked and shaved, what’s left? Who’s Josh at this point? Is he a graphic designer?
That’s meaningless, what the fuck does that say about my personality? You’d think maybe I was a good artist but I’m not at all. Okay then well I also run my own business, but that’s just a glorified freelancer gig with a hefty dose of luck. I do investments! Whatever the fuck that means. Does that make me a coke addicted wall street gambler? Nope, I’m really not about that life at all. I’m an avid reader, but I haven’t read everything. I love music, but only certain things. I love films, but not all of them. TV is great, I don’t watch much anymore. I write a lot, I’m 100% not a writer. I go out, but I’m not really a party goer. I stay in, but I’m not a quiet introvert. I love my animals, I’m not an animal lover. I like politics, don’t really wanna get into it though. I like my whiskey, but I don’t really drink. I really love food, but it’s not my existence (despite what my Instagram says). I have my hobbies, but they don’t define me for I am certainly not them. What then am I, and who am I? I’m everything and nothing. I am the sum of the things I do and I am equally not them at all. I am unsure, that is what I am. Who is Josh? He’s unsure.