Feelings are temporary. Not to negate their importance nor their power over us, but they are ultimately temporary sensations. Can I find a way to just exist with the feeling when it occurs; investigating it without diving into the deep end and drowning? Can I live with the unpleasant feelings, exploring them without avoiding them completely? I need to allow my feelings to teach me, not to control nor trick me as they so often do. Instead of worrying about when a good thing ends, I’d like to enjoy it while experiencing it. I think that to a certain extent it is nature to not want a good thing to finish but I wonder if I can change my mindset to understand that a good thing finishing does not equate to a bad thing beginning, but instead presents an opportunity for further good things down the line. If I am so concerned about future bad things, maybe I can worry a little about future good things? I suppose it would be good to not worry about the future at all, but if I must worry then let it be in a positive outlook.
My journaling has been a great outlet recently. I write pages of nonsense in my illegible handwriting but it’s a genuine stream of consciousness that I write at all hours of the day, whenever I feel the compulsion to, and there’s no judgements within my journal as it’s private. Having said that, I do dream of being able to read it with someone and discuss my thoughts in order to unpack them. However, compared to the outlet of my blog it certainly is private. What I’m doing is writing my ramblings there and once I’ve had time to figure them out, I sit at the computer to formalise it. It’s like forming a dough and baking it into a cake – what you’re reading now is cake. Delicious mentally ill cake.
Since I’ve been working on myself, I’ve noticed my emotions go up and down a lot more than they used to. The fluctuations sometimes occur over the span of a day, so mere hours can be the difference between ‘King of the world’ and ‘filth on the floor’. Just like with real life rollercoasters, I hate it and it makes me sick. I don’t necessarily know if I’m going to be feeling ‘it’ on any given day, regardless of what I’m doing. Sometimes I can work and feel amazing about it, other times I don’t see the point. I’m trying to manage the indeterminable inconsistencies of it all until I balance out.
As I write this now, I recall only a few days ago feeling great yet now I sit in despair and confusion. When I have bad or negative thoughts, I’m trying to not push them away but instead listen to them and analyse them. It’s really uncomfortable; particularly so for a guy who’s never confronted issues head on before. This is one of those things where there is no shortcut, much like my work. Side note, I’m also discovering that sometimes I just need to do the work and there’s no quicker way to get it done. I need to forgive myself and be gentler too as I am learning and growing. When I was a child there was a lot of either it’s right or wrong, and mostly it’s wrong. I need to be kind to myself. When I write something like this, I find myself asking what the point is when what I should be saying is I’m proud for having the capacity to confront myself and write about it.
Back to my anxiety. So I’m in a bit of a middle ground right now. In my life in general it certainly feels like I am in between stages of my existence, but more immediately there’s a transition period waiting to happen. Someone I like is either going to leave my life or become closer to it, and that decision is out of my hands. I must accept I cannot control it, and whatever the outcome is will be fine. I will continue moving forwards regardless, my world will not come to an end! Although the current state of affairs will change, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
Why on earth is this something I worry about though? I’ve touched upon it in previous writings. I hate my insecurity. How can someone as arrogant as me be this insecure? It’s madness. My need for validation is deep rooted and I am trying to get through the issues but I still need to manage myself in the ‘now’. I get locked into a feedback loop of worry and pain; it spirals until something blows up. Now I’m trying to stop the loop and prevent the spiral, recognising the feelings as they arise and moving quick to figure out what the fuck is going on. I’m trying to do stuff like walk my dog with a positive mindset, take in the beautiful fields and farmland around me, enjoy the forest, revel in the fact I even have a dog. It’s such a fantastic place to be in here.
We return to love, as we always do. Relationships are important to me. I don’t want to put so much into them but I do. I love trusting someone, I love having someone to care about me. Gives me strength and courage. I am getting better at being my own strength, I don’t think I’ll ever not need people but I want to be a stronger individual. For such a stoic and pragmatic individual I really can’t understand why I am so vulnerable to things not in my control.