I seem to go seeking things that will hurt me – a fancy way of saying I self-sabotage. Whenever I get close to something I shut it down. Like an addict, my body craves this pain. I live with a constant fear of destroying the good in my life and now I’m addicted to curing my addiction too.
Sometimes it can feel like I am steering a ship, and although my hands are on the wheel and the compass is pointing North, we’re still turning in a different direction. Other times it can feel like I’m not even on the ship, instead I’m trailing behind it holding on with a piece of rope as I can barely breathe above the water that I’m being dragged through. I worry that the lines between this character who hurts me and ‘me’ are becoming too blurred. Sure, a little progress is made here and there, but in my mind things only end one way.
The only way to combat this is to understand it at the root. I’m learning to accept myself which makes the journey easier too. I’ve been driven to this place by the experiences I’ve had. I obviously find a sense of comfort in being sad as though it is a role that was written just for me (by me). I excuse it, or at least I used to, by blaming it on things around me or ultimately accepting that I’m simply a sucky person. I know I shouldn’t run away from the feelings nor try to deny them or hide them. The shame I feel only drives me deeper into the cycle.
It can often feel like I am barely containing the lid that holds in all my pain and anxiety. I have a lot of self-control and willpower, but it can be so challenging to act as my normal self when all this crap is bursting out of me. These are the explosions I used to experience often, but now they have almost disappeared. I would punch a door, throw something, smash something. The best part is after the explosion, I wasn’t emptied, I filled right back up again from the shame following the explosion.
To get why the other me exists, I have to work out why I process things in this way. I know everyone feels happy and sad, I am not alone. However, I handle them in my own way and it’s not a way that’s working for me anymore. I must have learned this behaviour when I was young. Hurt people before they hurt me. Don’t forgive. Alternatively, forgive too much and lose my own self respect as people cross my boundaries. Either way, my coping tactics protected me from the bad things. Now I am older, I am not as vulnerable anymore so these mechanisms no longer apply to me. I’ve evolved new tactics that are based on the old ones though, and they are very ineffective. Also my guidance system is broken, so sometimes the mechanisms are launched even in situations where defence isn’t needed.
I’ve written lots about attachment anxiety stemming from my fear of abandonment. As soon as I feel attached, the fear begins as I worry for the eventual loss. My failsafe systems switch on and I enter self-destruct mode, or maybe I’ll make the other person leave so I’ve still dictated the decision and therefore won’t be hurt. As someone who greatly desires love and intimacy, this is a catch-22 nightmare.
I grew up in a stressful environment. I had lots of tactics to survive it, and I was really good at them. I never knew how I was feeling, it meant I lived in chaos. Now I am more in tune with my body, and I’m better at being able to comprehend the emotions in my mind. For example, messaging friends to hang out with them. I am so afraid of them saying no or leaving me that I don’t ask, don’t talk, and therefore I don’t see them at all. Now I am taking control, I text people and make an effort because I want to see them and that is all that matters.
Discomfort comforts me. The world makes sense when it’s in turmoil. I used to love bad turbulence on a plane as it was the smoothness that worried me (smoothness is merely turbulence that hasn’t happened yet) – the violent shaking calmed me. On the other hand, I really do crave peace, which suggests I’m evolving and moving on from how I used to be. I seek the calm rather than the tumultuous. I like me, but I don’t completely love me. I’m getting there – starting to live life more on my terms. I want to do more and give back to the world to gain a sense of purpose grander than immediate reality in front of me.