When I was younger, I thought life was infinite. I thought I was infinite. Even as I was introduced to the concept of death, I still could not perceive my time coming to an end – death is a thing that happens to other people, not me. As sobering as attending the funeral of a family member is, even that didn’t hammer home the message. It’s a strange mechanism to be able to so brazenly deny our inevitable conclusion, and I wonder what the point of it is.
I suppose it’s that if we treated our end as the fact that it is then maybe we wouldn’t do what’s necessary to survive, and keep our species moving forwards. Maybe we would riot through the streets, unashamedly give in to what we want no matter the consequences. Our persistence to stay alive allows us to overcome so much adversity, but it can’t help us when that final moment comes.
One of my strongest desires is to order some McDonalds. It’s food that provides emotional and physical comfort to me, and it has very powerful links to my childhood, tapping into something far beyond my comprehension. With nonstop adverts blasting into my mind for two decades, plus the fact that it is economically viable and addictive as hell, it’s hard to say no. However, I know that it is unhealthy. I also know that I would regret it afterwards. I order it nonetheless.
Desire is a challenge to overcome in any form, that’s why we’re given a conscious mind to negotiate between our primal instinct and our higher brain function. The ravenous animal within me wants to get the food but the logical human in me wants to recognise that it’s a bad idea. Surprise surprise though it isn’t that simple, because if I create neurotic tension through the internal conflict caused by the repression of my desire then that’ll make a whole other mess for me to deal with.
Maybe I should figure out what is actually wrong, and what would actually satisfy me. It’s kind of like a baby where you run through a checklist of what they could be crying about until you’ve worked it out. Am I sad, am I hungry, do I want to hurt myself? That’s the crux of it really. I know it will hurt me, and I don’t appreciate or respect myself enough to stand up to my desire and say “Hey, I don’t want to hurt myself!”. We’re working on it though.
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Life is really quite short, and I feel that most of us don’t truly understand it. In the back of our minds, even if we aren’t remotely religious or spiritual, we imagine some continuation of life. I know I do. Yes, I may preach that life after death is the same as life before you were born (i.e. eternal nothingness) but inside I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it, because then it would be too soul crushing for me. I have to tell myself that I will be able to see Led Zeppelin live at Earl’s Court in ’75, and that I can relive my favourite moments on repeat.
I’m thinking about these things because I desire something that seems unattainable, though I can have it momentarily here and there. I remember reading Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, and I’m trying to apply it to my current situation. In our brain, System 1 operates quickly, with practically no effort and control. System 2 pays a bit more attention, computing the scenario in more detail. System 1 wants to throw all my toys out of the pram and go for it. System 2 reminds me that we need to think it through. System 2 then works through possible solutions to my dilemma. System 2 gets frustrated that we cannot find one, System 1 kicks in. It’s in System 1 where my most negative traits emerge, and it is System 2’s job to keep 1 in check. With mindfulness and patience, I am giving more power to System 2. The ability to engage in a dialogue with myself that is not only forgiving but also understanding has helped me grow, and in doing so it has prevented the unwanted dominance of System 1. Sometimes I lose that grip but these mistakes are part of the journey.
Anyway, I feel one step closer to happiness now and certainly less lost. I’m excited to see where the future goes and I’m hopeful.