If life really is a tapestry, then it is woven with an interplay of beginnings and endings. Every single thing we go through becomes a thread on our canvas, and there’s nothing more exciting than starting something new. However, there comes a time when we have to confront the reality of endings. Endings carry with them a lot of different emotions, most of them rather unpleasant, which is why I hate them. I get quite attached to people so when it comes to saying goodbye to them, no matter the reason, I always take it badly. I am therefore trying to better understand what is actually going on inside me that makes saying goodbye so difficult, and hopefully I can learn to find peace in these moments instead of dread.
I have found that there are two major components that make saying goodbye so hard for me; Nostalgia and Uncertainty. One looks back, pulling me into safety, and one looks forward, thrusting me into danger.
This ship to all the rest did I prefer:
William Wordsworth, With Ships (1815)
When will she turn, and whither? She will brook
No tarrying; where she comes the winds must stir:
On went she, and due north her journey took.
Nostalgia envelops us in the warm embrace of cherished memories. Everything “back then” is painted in delicate hues, and the memories whisper to us, beckoning us to revisit them. We select only the positive experiences, remembering with fondness the highlights of the time and conveniently ignoring all the disappointments. It is a necessary part of any grieving process though, and it carries a powerful emotional resonance as it is attached to things like happiness, love, and safety. Safety may even be the sole reason nostalgia is so hard to overcome; as the world and our future is disrupted post-change, the past gives us refuge into a time where things were “simpler” but regardless of that being true or not (which it isn’t) it grants us respite from the trials of the present nonetheless. There is an undeniable allure of looking back on things in search of comfort, but we need to find a balance between cherishing memories without idealising them so that we can live in the reality of our present experiences. I get stuck in the past sometimes but it’s not really the big issue for me. Through moving houses, schools, divorce, and lots of major life occurrences, I have learned to not dwell too much on how things used to be.
All my little plans and schemes,
John Lennon, Real Love (1979)
Lost like some forgotten dreams.
Uncertainty has the ability to rip you out of any nostalgia for the past as it forces you to confront your future. This is the big one for me. Doubt becomes your new best friend as the clear path before you crumbles into nothingness and all your potential fades away. As someone who struggles with self-worth, uncertainty like this carves away at my identity. It’s like looking at a compass, being told to follow North, and suddenly the dial just starts spinning round and round. Doubt manifests itself in various ways as the once familiar now becomes alien. The stability and comfort that used to define who we are disappears, leaving us clawing desperately for solid ground. The process of building ‘we’ in a relationship is exciting; there’s nothing better than pouring your heart out and establishing a new connection. But as with everything in this world, there is a counterside. The reverse of this process is disorienting and heartbreaking. But, as I have explored in other posts, we need to embrace uncertainty. By letting go of my need to control, and through surrendering to the tidal wave, I can hopefully find an opportunity to shape my own narrative, to rebuild it
The thing is, these are all just words really. There’s not much that can help when you part from something you never wanted to leave. I’ve experienced it so many times, and I will inevitably keep experiencing it during my life. I panic, I get sad, angry, disappointed. I feel hurt, hopeless, totally lost. I am alone, weak, unsupported. I generally feel as though I am not enough. I get weighed down by my own perceived shortcomings, and the feeling that I am missing something within me. There are people who are cooler than me, better looking, more successful. When I date someone, you can imagine how this plays out. My inner critic reminds me that I could have done better, or that there is always more for me to prove. Any feelings of accomplishment are fleeting, leaving me feeling rejected even in times of success. It feels like I am wearing a mask of confidence to hide the truth that I’m totally unworthy. I will regularly ask myself why someone would even like me, and ironically, if someone tries to reassure me, I tend to feel as though they are overcompensating and lying.
All I can actually do is look to the people around me; supportive friends, understanding family, a loyal dog at my side. I can take pride in my efforts to improve myself, and self-improvement is a never-ending journey. If I keep writing and getting my feelings out there, they won’t weigh me down. Nostalgia can be a tool that helps me see my life has been good, and that because of this, I need not worry about the future. Uncertainty can provide me with an opportunity to grow and learn more about myself too.
There is nothing nice about being tested in these moments, but I suppose real growth isn’t meant to be easy. The challenge of confronting fears and embracing resilience is a tough one, but I know that along the way I will find space to learn, heal, and start laying the foundations for something new. Obstacles like this can seem insurmountable, but I’m trying to see them instead as invitations to lean into discomfort and come out the other side as a better person.