Does anyone actually find introductions easy to write? Whether a blog post or an essay, I never know how to start. I sort of have an idea of what I want to write about but I can’t always get going immediately. For the posts, I tend to write random sentences and paragraphs as I’m thinking them, then I pull them together to make a complete piece. It’s jarring to just jump into the topic straight away, especially if it’s a deep one. Speaking of which…
Recently, someone asked if they could read my blog after seeing it linked on my Instagram profile. I reminded them that I wasn’t exactly hiding it from the world, but it got me thinking; I actually do sometimes worry about people reading it and getting the wrong idea about me. Because I only write about the low moments, it seems like that’s the standard for my life. My blog is a space for me to discuss my struggles but it’s only one side of the story. I do indeed have low moments, and maybe more than most, where the weight of everything feels a bit too heavy, but it’s not my day-to-day situation. My day, and life, is a blend of both highs and lows. I come to this place to share the difficulties of navigating life with the things that burden me, and I do it unfiltered and unapologetically. I suppose I am trying to say that just because I write about some sad shit, doesn’t mean that’s all there is to me.
At the time of writing my last post back in February, I wasn’t in a good place. I lost a lot of hope, things were bleak, I felt like I was losing control. Since then, I’ve committed to working out, eating well, and I’ve even started therapy. Now my life has taken a much more positive turn, and I want my future posts to reflect that. I don’t want to hide the evidence of the things I’ve struggled with because they’re part of my story.
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When I was a kid, I had all these dreams about where my life could go. The world was limitless, and I was free to imagine whatever future I wanted. I was as naïve as we all were at that age, but I did genuinely have ambitions to do amazing things in my life, and I thought anything was possible. I wanted to be a rockstar, I wanted to earn millions, I wanted to be like the guys I saw in TV shows and movies. I was untamed and free, and every new day brought with it new discoveries and alternate paths for me to take. I met different people at different schools, moved around a bit, travelled loads. It was great, but I wasn’t happy. None of it brought me much joy, and it certainly wasn’t leading me to happiness. As I got older, shit got worse. I didn’t want to go into law or finance. I didn’t want to go to expensive nightclubs. I didn’t like my friends. None of it worked for me, but it was all I knew and I was unaware that there was a way out.
In hindsight, what I once thought was a boundless world was in fact more like a cage. It might have been a glittering cage but I mistook the reflections for freedom when I was really just looking back at myself. Look at the friends I had – they didn’t really care about me and when they let me down, as they often did, I blamed myself because I didn’t know what real friends were like. I dated people who made me feel worthless, believing that I needed to win their support (I should note, not everyone I dated was this way).
Over time, I realised the solution was to stop giving a fuck. As soon as I did this, the vastness of my world began to shrink, and the things that initially captured my amazement became nothing more than passing fancies. I didn’t care who had a big house or a nice car. I cared less and less about what people thought of me, and I cut contact with almost everyone I knew. The real me emerged out of the rubble that was left behind from the person who was trying to be what he thought other people wanted him to be. Whilst the dimensions of my world on paper may have shrunk, they have grown exponentially in terms of real connections and experiences. The friends I have now are there for me when I need them, and they’re good fun. There is less pressure when dating, and although it’s not always easy, I’ve met some fantastic people. The confines of expectations have been lifted, and I can now define my own success in my own way. I acknowledge the need to keep working on my self-worth, but overall, I remain committed to being my own true individual person who is not tethered to other people’s perceptions, and I am trying to maintain an authentic way of being, even if it means writing some depressing blog posts here and there.