Before I write one of these posts, I try to think about what I actually want to say. There’s nothing wrong with rambling on about a random topic, and there’s sometimes a need for a discussion around a particular theme, but I try to find some sort of purpose to the writing. Maybe that’s why I’m so slow to post and upload things here, because too long is spent thinking about what I should be writing. I’ve deleted more potential posts than I’ve written. Repetition could be one of the reasons I’m so hesitant to continually post; how often do I need to write about the same shit over and over. Oh look, I met a new girl who I really like and now I feel anxious – it gets boring. But this time, I have met a new girl, and I’ll probably be feeling anxious about it soon. What good does it serve to write these things and post them again and again – or, alternatively, what harm is it doing? I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I do know that posting things on my own blog that only a handful of people read should most certainly not be this stressful.
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It’s been a couple of months since my last post, and looking back at it, a lot has changed. Therapy has really shifted my perspective on things, and though I don’t feel like a completely different person, and I wouldn’t even go so far as to say I have “improved,” the way I view myself and my life has definitely evolved. There are still some things I can’t fully express here, but what I can share is that I have finally realised that I have been seeing my life through a distorted lens for much of my time on this earth. I’ve touched on it in previous posts but never with the clarity I have now.
Working with a psychotherapist who understands my specific struggles has helped me untangle some deep-rooted misconceptions about who I am and why I behave the way I do.
For example, growing up in a household filled with strong emotions, I learned that anger was the only way to be heard – but I also learned that expressing anger would get me punished. This left me in real quandary about how to react to situations around me, leading to more anger. Therapy has taught me that my anger is rooted in pain, and it serves as a defence mechanism to protect my ego. I’ve learned not to supress my anger too, because bottled up emotions don’t go away, they fester and grow. In practice, it isn’t always this easy though. Whether someone in front of me is driving way below the speed limit, or if someone disagrees with me about a political topic, I still get that emotional flood of anger, and sometimes it does take over, but at least now I understand what’s going on inside my head, and I am a lot more forgiving of myself for it. With more time spent in therapy, I hope to get even better at managing these emotions.
Speaking of therapy, quite early on in the fact-finding sessions, he asked about my dating life. I laughed and said it was rather active, but obviously to a therapist who doesn’t know me, this could come across problematic. I explained that it wasn’t a way for me to distract myself or fill some sort of empty void, but that it was just something I enjoyed doing. With each new person I meet (in life in general too) I discover a new lens with which to see myself. One could think that an active dating life suggests that I am looking to forget the past, but I find that meeting new people helps me discover more about myself. I have to confront aspects of my personality that I haven’t confronted before.
It’s no secret that I am an anxious person, and this comes out often in dating. I feel insecure, worried about rejection, and in the past, I would force myself to be indifferent to these feelings. However, I now try to be honest with myself, and admit what I am feeling. It allows me to be more present during these interactions, enabling me to connect with people on a deeper level. Dating is not about validation or distraction, it is an opportunity to be mindful, communicative, and to practice accepting reality for what it is. Some girls don’t want to see me again, some want to see me again the next day, and the same goes for me in turn – and whatever happens during the experience, I can enjoy it for whatever it is.
It’s not been easy, and there’s a lot of frustration and sadness. I’m still holding on to old wounds, but they aren’t defining me as much anymore. Being ghosted, or a date not going as planned, doesn’t trigger the intense emotions I used to feel. I of course still feel let down or disappointed, but it isn’t all-consuming. There’s still one old relationship I am learning to move on from, but I’ve come a really long way. I often wish things would turn out differently in life, but I am starting to accept the things that happen around me. I allow myself to feel the pain of something that hasn’t gone the way I wanted it to, and I am trying to embrace that pain as part of my human experience.
I recently thought I was sort of done with therapy, but stuff happened, and I see that although I’ve made immense progress in some important areas, I am still suffering with the things that have always plagued me.
Anxiety is definitely the big one. One of the places my anxiety comes from is the fear of the unknown, and that I need controllable or predictable outcomes to feel safe. This leads to overthinking and overanalysing, preparing myself for every scenario, exhausting myself in the process, and usually being wrong anyway. Embracing uncertainty is the only way to let go of my need for definitive answer. It’s better this way because instead of trying to direct the outcome of a situation or interaction, I am focusing on being present and enjoying the moment for what it is. This even results in my having less anxiety about what’s going on, and helps keep me open and authentic. Like my anger, it’s easier said than done.