I first learned about Sixto Rodriguez from the documentary, Searching for Sugar Man. It details the journey of a South African fan who wants to learn if the insane stories about Rodriguez, and his death, were true. Not only did his story grip me, but his music did too. He sounded like Bob Dylan, but he wasn’t a cheap knockoff. His lyrics were deep, the music beautifully composed, and to this day I still get shivers when listening to a lot of his stuff. His song “Forget It” from the album “Cold Fact” is just under two minutes long, but the words are stuck in my head: (I’ve skipped some sections)
But thanks for your time
Then you can thank me for mine
And after that’s said
Forget it.Don’t be inane
There’s no one to blame
No reason why
You should stay here
And lie to me.Don’t say anymore
Just walk out the door
I’ll get along fine
You’ll see.If there was a word
But magic’s absurd
I’d make one dream come true.It didn’t work out
But don’t ever doubt
How I felt about you.
This reads like a poem to me. It’s about the end of a relationship, no surprise why I vibe with it so much. He thanks the other person and then proceeds to dismiss their time together. I don’t feel he’s defending it necessarily, but he does cherish what he had though he seems to want to push it away from him.
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At this point in my life, I’m trying to live as authentically as I can, but it takes a lot of energy to overcome the things that are in my way. My anxiety often prevents me from being honest, so for example if I want to say “I like you” then I need a lot of energy to break through the barrier that stands between me and that truth. What complicates this further is having experienced what it feels like to not have that anxiety, because now that I’m back in situations where that block is front and centre, I need to learn to get through it all over again.
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The other night was pretty rough. I had three hyper-vivid dreams one after the other, with me waking up in between each of them. The first was something to do with Denethor from Lord of the Rings, he was hanging with someone I knew and was lecturing me; super weird. I woke up suddenly and was confused, but managed to fall back asleep. In the second dream, I was at a party with ACDC’s original frontman Bon Scott. That was intense, and I can’t remember what woke me up, but again I was confused. Fell asleep once more, this time my dream was more of a nightmare. It involved someone from my past, it wasn’t pleasant. Don’t need to write about it. I woke up with a sore neck and I felt depressed. When I get stressed, I have nights like these. It’s been a tough period with two family members having serious operations, and me with a kidney issue. Not surprised my nights are plagued with stressful dreams.
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When I first meet someone, if the spark is there, they start to occupy a small part of my mind. As we get to know each other, the space they take up increases a little. With every bit of time we spend together, if things continue moving forwards, that space continues to grow. Each conversation, all the memes we send, all adding to the space they take up. Then shit happens, the person is gone. Now there’s this space that was dedicated to that person, and it needs to disappear and make room for other things. I take photos down, put things in boxes, throw things away. I remove the triggers, disassociate, and let the air out of the balloon. The space they took up begins to shrink as the thought of them no longer dominates my mind. Smaller and smaller it becomes until I realise that even though I may miss them, and even if I still think of them, the stuff that I cared so much about no longer has the same value. An envelope that they wrote my name on, once cherished, now nothing more than an envelope with my name on it. A thing once filled with meaning now reduced to its most basic form. I find this transformation scary.
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I went out with someone and we ended up discussing what it means to love. They asked me for a definition, and despite having so much to say on the matter, I could not come up with a straightforward answer. I can of course define it as a word, but the concept as a whole is much more complicated and harder to pin down. It gives us confirmation that amidst all the uncontrollable chaos of this insane world, we are not facing it alone, but having said this, I have found love to be as destructive as it has been rewarding, if not more so. I need to juggle my desire to be loved and to love with my desire to not be hurt, and my fears that it only leads to hurt.