I’ve finally redesigned my blog. I like a dark theme, same as my business website (also being remade at the moment). I like the neon blue colour, the serif headings, and clean sans serif body copy. I like the way my design and photography items are neatly displayed. The website is simple and minimal, finally how I’ve wanted it to be for ages. My writing is now the focus of the blog, and I’m hoping it’ll keep me posting more frequently.
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In the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the main character’s ex undergoes a procedure that has all her memories of him erased from her mind. He does the same thing. Chaos ensues, and with their memories completely wiped of each other, they meet again and rekindle their relationship from the beginning, hopefully to a better end this time. I wish I had access to that technology. Being forced to remember so much is a curse. I’m trapped by memories I can’t let go of, time after time I get stuck in a trap of thinking I’m moving on only to be pulled back into the shit again.
Yes it’s because I saw The Nightmare Before Christmas decorations in Sainsbury’s.
I hate to sound defeatist because I’m really not. I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I had given up. I just feel like I’m running against a brick wall. The same old things trigger me, the same patterns of behaviour inevitably follow. I get a desire to hurt myself, emotionally mostly. Where does it leave me? I’m unsure. I don’t think I’m special in any way, we all get wounded by past traumas, but everyone I know seems to be able to move on. I am stuck. Is this all it is? Just keep going in what I hope is a forward direction? Wake up just to fall asleep again? Fill my days with work, activities to distract myself?
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I’m on a bunch of dating apps, have been for years now. I still remember when I first got on them, very late to the game, my best mate at the time warned me that the apps would ruin me. He said I was better meeting people in real life, and that the apps would lower my standards and turn me into a shell. Well, that didn’t quite happen, but they have changed me. Hinge (how I’ve found most of my relationships) Tinder (lots of dates not much else, though one really good relationship) Bumble (conversations nothing more) and Feeld (other stuff). They’re all pretty shit, but I make do. I’ve somehow avoided all the things that clearly happened to my mate, but one thing I cannot stand is being ghosted.
Ghosting is the fucking worst. It’s when someone suddenly stops talking to you without an explanation. The cessation of communication always leaves one person without closure, with no chance to, healthily, emotionally process what has happened. It removes the opportunity to talk, to learn, to ask questions, all of which help avoid insecurity and mistrust in the future.
It’s part of the package of modern dating, but when it happens repeatedly, especially with people that I felt a connection with, it starts to undermine my ability to forge healthy relationships. It’s excommunication, and for someone with abandonment issues, it’s a fate worse than death. It stops me from believing I can engage in healthy relationships. It sets me up for failure.