I’m sitting in my office at home. This is where I work now. It’s a great room with everything I need to get by. Custom PC I built myself, large desk that I also built, high end speakers, dual monitors, mechanical keyboard, ergonomic chair – the works. I’m sat by a window overlooking trees and fields. There are bookshelves with anything I’ve ever wanted to read, there’s even a really cool light setup. I do whatever work is required of me during the day, which isn’t that stressful nor time consuming. I might look over my finances, do a bit of trading, check up on the investments. I’ll write, design, listen to music, bake, cook, take photographs, spend time with the gerbil, spend time with the dog, watch TV, maybe watch a movie.
I can go out whenever and there’s no boss to dictate my day. Financially I’m sorted, within reason of course. Sorted for the lifestyle I want. I have the things I not only need but also want. I am free, freer than almost anyone I know. There’s friends to chat to and things to arrange. It seems then that I’m in the perfect position to be happy, but for some reason I feel like I have to be doing more. I’m on the edge of a cliff and constantly backing away, or I’m prepping for a race that never actually starts. In this state, it doesn’t take a lot for something to grip me. Maybe a client provides a bit of bad feedback; that won’t be taken well. Maybe I’ve thought of a sad time in my life; that’s going to dominate me for the day.
There’s an emotional fragility to me at the moment. Despite me becoming who I always wanted to be I still feel like there’s something I’m not doing. It’s an awful feeling that blocks me from happiness. That’s probably what my writing is. It’s just me trying to communicate with people to tell them “Hey, I’m here and I matter!”. I’ve put my phone down today to see if that helps. I feel my mind is clouded and the never ending need to look at the screen for a notification from a girl or a message from a friend is messing with me. It’s also hard to explain because I’m not unhappy necessarily, and I am in fact somewhat happy, but there’s this idealised version of happiness that I find unattainable. No matter what zen I find myself in I can’t fully reach nirvana, it’s never 100%. I wonder if that’s just the human condition though and maybe it comes down to survival – we can’t ever settle fully as we need to keep pushing and evolving and growing as a species.