Everything in life is easier when you don’t care, especially relationships. With no emotional investment, there’s no pressure for it to go right, and no real consequences for it going wrong. Not caring seems to be the best way to avoid getting hurt. Keep you doors locked and no one can come in and hurt you. With no vulnerabilities on show, there’s nothing at stake within a relationship. Therefore there’s nothing on the table and nothing to lose!
But you can’t win at the roulette wheel by just standing there. You have to turn up and place your bet. You can’t hedge your bets either by putting half your money on red and half on black. First of all, there’s two green slots on a roulette wheel, so there’s a 53% chance they won’t win anyway. Aside from the chances, the payout is also crap. It’s even odds, 1:1. However, some people approach the table with a bit less fear. They bet on individual numbers! They get payouts of 6:1, 11:1, even 35:1. Their odds might be lower but it’s the only way to win big at the table.
Ok this isn’t the best analogy but the point is valid. You have to bet. You can’t just observe and win, and you can’t play it safe. That’s what I want to do at the table, I want to bet. This is a great leap forwards from how I used to be. However, once I’ve made my bet (once I’ve become emotionally available in a relationship) then begins the anxiety.
It’s normal to want appreciation, attention, and support. It’s normal to not want someone you love to hurt you or stop loving you. Having said this, the needs and fears can become overpowering, dominating and disruptive to a relationship. My issue may stem slightly from childhood as despite having extremely supportive and caring parents, at other times they were unresponsive to my emotions and dismissive of my needs and it is this inconsistency that’s created the anxious ambivalence within me. More likely though this anxiety comes from a traumatic event where I was abandoned suddenly by someone I really cared about. Also this kind of thing has happened multiple times where I’ve been let down or betrayed.
As I said previously, I get anxious. This can sometimes give me sensitivity to my partners needs or the needs of those around me which is helpful but it comes at the cost of my own self-esteem, i.e. constantly blaming myself or believing myself to be unworthy of love. The fear of abandonment, based purely on my own history, causes desperation, clinginess, jealousy, and suspicion. Luckily I have learned better ways to manage these feelings.
I’m working on it. I recognise the patterns of my behaviour, and I am mindful of my actions. I can’t change my past, but maybe I can change the way I perceive it, alter the present, and change the future. Self reflection, writing shit like this, is the way for me to accomplish my goals. It also helps to be with someone capable of facilitating the emotional closeness I need whilst providing calmness and stability, as well as allowing me to be open about my struggles without judgement. This is of course my journey to make too, so I don’t expect anyone to hold my hand through it, but the support is a real benefit to me.
I mean, I’ve literally been told ‘I really like you’ only to laugh back at the person almost in disgust.
I believe not caring is not the answer. Sure it means no heartbreak, but it also means no love. If the doors are bolted close then no one can come in. I want someone to hold my hand and say it’s going to be ok, and they can’t do that if I shut them out. I am learning that the past does not predict the future and that if I can move past my history and understand my emotions then all that matters in a relationship is does the other person like Led Zeppelin as much as I do?