We’re often scared to admit how we feel. We worry that by expressing our emotions we might make ourselves too vulnerable. We think that we’re going to be judged and criticized when what we want is to be validated and understood. Nobody wants rejection, that’s why we protect ourselves by putting up walls and barriers. It’s a double-edged sword though, because when we restrict our own feelings, we may prevent anyone from hurting us but we don’t give them a chance to meet us with compassion and support either. We get stuck in a narrative of our own creation that becomes a perpetual cycle of guarding ourselves against people who might care about us, and it can be very hard to break out.
Most of my walls have come down now. I learned that locking your door and running away isn’t a solution, and that real courage comes from having the strength to let people in. Even now though, it can be so difficult to open myself up, especially as someone who has been hurt before. My concern has always been that if I tell someone how I feel about them, they’ll run away. I do also try to be thoughtful in the way I communicate my feelings because some people can find it intense at first, but ultimately when the right person comes along, I know that I need to let them in.
I recently did let someone in, despite it not being easy for me to do. I understood that I had found someone who would accept me for who I was, but even then, I didn’t fully believe it. As more of my real attitudes, behaviours, and emotions emerged, it seemed to draw them closer to me. Rather than having to mould myself to fit them, I was able to be honest about who I was. This meant that instead of a relationship full of anxiety and panic, I felt peace and safety. I learned love is not a challenge to overcome nor a great ordeal to surpass but a dance that you perform together. It’s like cooking a meal where you each have one half of the ingredients. You need to work as a team to bring it all together.
Of course, my time with this person in that capacity is over, so it would be easy for me to throw those barriers right back up. Why would I want to be this hurt again? Well, the other lesson I’ve learned is that it’s part of the gamble when we live our lives with the walls down. We get the chance to experience the best that love has to offer us, and with that comes the chance of having to suffer the other side of it. Either we open ourselves up with the risks, or we stay closed and never get to reach our potential. I may be hurting but I won’t shut myself off from the world, it’s definitely better to have loved and lost.
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At about 5am last night, I woke up from a bad dream. It took me a second to work out where I was, Smithy looked super confused. I felt so lost and out of place, rejected by everyone as though I had been sent away to a remote location. My heart was heavy in my chest, and I felt guilty for still feeling so bad after all this time. I had to remind myself that it is okay to feel this way. It’s getting better with each day so I am clearly heading in the right direction, who gives a shit how long it takes?