This site was originally a place for me to come and post some of my random pieces of design work and photography, as well as be a healthy outlet for me to write about things. It’s been extremely helpful for me to have a purpose outside of work too, and to have somewhere to go when I need to unload some shit that’s been bothering me. Recently though it’s been dominated by me lamenting the end of a relationship, more so than I’d like it to be. I’ve decided that my feelings are valid but no longer justified. It is okay for me to feel a certain way, and ignoring it is of course a recipe for disaster. However, I believe they are no longer justified, and I don’t want to keep spewing out my depression onto these pages. I’m going to keep writing in my journal but that’s a place for my eyes only, this is a more public location and it was meant to be a forum for me to think through my issues, not a place that keeps me stuck in the past.
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We are all but a blip in time, everything we do is only as important as those around us who we share it with. I’m not going to get statues or books written about me, all my pictures and all these writings will be lost in a sea of binary code. Someday a person will go through my things and decide what to sell, donate, or throw away. They will look at the items that meant so much to me, gifts that held so much value in my life yet in their hands is less than meaningless. If humanity is still around one hundred years from now, there will be not a single person on this earth who will know nor care what I am going through right now. It reminds me of a great poem by Charlotte Mew, called A Quoi Bon Dire. She writes about meeting her then-boyfriend seventeen years ago, and how they parted but she still thinks of him. Mew then goes on to write that in the future, another boy and girl will meet the same way and just as they did, tell each other, ‘Nobody can love their way again’. On a planet with eight billion other people, I’m sure there’s quite a few who are going through the same thing I am.
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I had loving parents but my family never gave me the compassion I needed. This has stayed with me today as I often fail to treat myself with compassion (hence my adoration for anyone who does). I understand it’s okay to have bad days, and that I mustn’t punish myself if I am not consistently ‘doing enough’. We make life hard for ourselves by being slaves to what we should be doing; should be working harder, should be earning more, should be further along, should have a six pack, should be better looking, should have a girlfriend, should have more friends, should be less emotional, should communicate emotions better, should be able to be happy. The parasitic nature of ‘should’ makes life a nightmare and sucks all the energy from our souls. Instead, I want to celebrate the victories, no matter how small; showering before 9am or getting a new client for example, and if I start to self-love in every way I can then soon I will be revitalised. The endeavours I undertake are because I believe in me, and because I want to do them, not because of anyone else or any phantom ‘should’.
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Arthur C. Clarke wrote in Rama II that nothing has the same lasting value as ‘learning and loving’. He said that when your life is over, if you can say you’ve learned and loved, you will also be able to say ‘I have been happy’. I devote much of my time to both these things so I hope when I’m on my deathbed many years from now I can say that I did it right, and that I was happy.