I have no idea how I got to be so jaded. I wasn’t always this way. I had a lot of hope as a kid, loads of exciting plans for the future. I used to make home movies and draw stuff. Now I don’t even have the energy to play a video game or the energy to watch a film. I guess after 27 years of bullshit I’ve been worn down by the disappointment of it all. I wouldn’t say I’m cynical or sceptical about life, I just don’t care that much. I don’t even know if I believe in anyone or anything anymore.
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I’m not really on Facebook nowadays, other than for a few local groups I’m involved in and some greyhound pages too, but when I open the app I always see the first few suggested popular posts from my friends. It’s hard to ignore the deluge of engagement announcements, and the increasing number of wedding photos and even baby pictures. And it’s also valentine’s day today, so my feed is just full of couples showing off their happiness. It feels like everyone around me is reaching these serious and important milestones, whereas I’m doing the complete opposite. I really mean the opposite too, like it couldn’t be further from what they all seem to be doing. There was period of about a month at the end of last year where I was seeing maybe five or six people at the same time, and it got to the stage where I called someone the wrong name on a date which felt shitty and awkward. When I suddenly started to get way more dates a few years ago, it was good fun, but now it seems I’ve reached a point where I need something substantial.
I’m actually not all that interested in achieving the traditional societal benchmarks of relationship progress (a convoluted way of saying marriage), and I do love the freedom that I experience and the spontaneous adventures I get to have, but I feel left out because my peers are moving through these goalposts, leaving me behind. They’re ostensibly settling into domestic bliss while I’m working through seemingly endless fleeting connections with the occasional lasting impact that only ends up inevitably disappointing me. I’m also not a fool – I know that social media gives us highly curated stories, and I also know that many people fall into situations they aren’t happy about, but that doesn’t make my journey feel any less isolating. There was also this thing that happened recently that I don’t want to write about in detail but it was someone from my past and it’s reminded me of how I used to be which led me to think about the things I’ve done wrong and even though I’ve come a long way and try to be better I still know that there’s a fairly large amount of people out there who probably don’t like me at all or even hate me which is fine but leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
Moving forwards from this, despite the loneliness I genuinely do feel, I think there is some hope in the future. I’d like to keep working on understanding my own values and experiencing all that this world has to offer, rather than measure myself against the apparent progress made by people around me. Rather than succumb to the pressure of conformity, I can instead just focus on my own journey. I have long term plans, I work hard, I am ambitious, and I have achieved a lot already so as long as I persevere there shouldn’t be any problems.
Alternatively, I could just give in to the voice in my head. Let’s just look at the signs; people around me doing really well, getting engaged, travelling the world, being happy. Not me though. I’m unhappy. I don’t have the things I want. I don’t even know what I want but I know I don’t have them. I don’t know who I am beyond an angry and frustrated person. I want to stop feeling most of the things I feel. All that happens is that I get hurt so who in their right mind would pursue something that leads to pain – real pain, not some sadomasochistic fun pain. A dull, ongoing, widespread pain. Aching bones. Hands moving in slow motion making ripples in the air like water. Eyes barely able to focus on the words in front of me, fingers hardly lifting above the keyboard as I type. Shoulders dropped forwards with my neck straining to the left because my body is so tense even when I’m relaxed, I’m agitated. There might not be any moving on from this. It doesn’t look like it at this point.